I do not want somebody who just care about himself and neglect all my feelings.
It was like being with someone who does not really love you.
Now, I am thinking if there is a need for sepration...
I does not want to sleep together with someone who does not treat the wife with respect and TLC...
previously from http://purpearl.livejournal.com/
December 03, 2009
Past Few Weeks
Since a week before my birthday, Javier had been sick due to viral fever, diarrhea upon recovery and now another episode of flu..
I was totally worn out and my patience for him went totally out of control, I vent my frustration on him by saying something to hurt him. I was in the midst of going berserk and I simply broke down and ignore him.
I could not control myself. Hence, it is better off to ignore him, if not I cannot imagine what I would do. Probably killed him with my own hands.
During the past few weeks, I had once mentally broke down and I totally ignored my family. I did not know why. As I said I need to unleash my desperate spirits. Everything said had gone into the drain.
Nobody actually know what I wanted or what I had request.. There is no way in fulfilling my dreams...
Now, I am back to reality and no longer habour hope on him anymore.
Totally, disappointed this time.
i am not the perfect mother in this world, but I am trying and learning to be a better and more mature one..
I was totally worn out and my patience for him went totally out of control, I vent my frustration on him by saying something to hurt him. I was in the midst of going berserk and I simply broke down and ignore him.
I could not control myself. Hence, it is better off to ignore him, if not I cannot imagine what I would do. Probably killed him with my own hands.
During the past few weeks, I had once mentally broke down and I totally ignored my family. I did not know why. As I said I need to unleash my desperate spirits. Everything said had gone into the drain.
Nobody actually know what I wanted or what I had request.. There is no way in fulfilling my dreams...
Now, I am back to reality and no longer habour hope on him anymore.
Totally, disappointed this time.
i am not the perfect mother in this world, but I am trying and learning to be a better and more mature one..
November 03, 2009
Lonely
I guess in many people's life, we do experienced the feeling of lonely.
Perhaps, some does not, because they have so many friends around them.
As for me, today I find it extremely lonely, probably because after I had finished school,
I went to work part time, and most of my weekend are burnt. Hence, I distant from my good buddies.
For my present life, being a mother, it makes me harder to hang out with them because I need to bring along Javier. I cannot possibly bring him along to a pub or club. Most of them have to work or study. So we does not meet up frequently.
I really want to be just like my friends, so carefree, enjoying every freedom they had and hanging out with their best friends.
Though I have a family, but still they can never replace friend nor friend can replace family. They are both different concept of companion.
Knowing that I am blessed with families who care about me, but it will never be enough.
Perhaps, some does not, because they have so many friends around them.
As for me, today I find it extremely lonely, probably because after I had finished school,
I went to work part time, and most of my weekend are burnt. Hence, I distant from my good buddies.
For my present life, being a mother, it makes me harder to hang out with them because I need to bring along Javier. I cannot possibly bring him along to a pub or club. Most of them have to work or study. So we does not meet up frequently.
I really want to be just like my friends, so carefree, enjoying every freedom they had and hanging out with their best friends.
Though I have a family, but still they can never replace friend nor friend can replace family. They are both different concept of companion.
Knowing that I am blessed with families who care about me, but it will never be enough.
November 01, 2009
Cancellation of My Birthday Party
I am really relunctant to cancel it off.. Just because he wanted to be involved and he could not make it, he asked me to either change it to his off day which falls on a weekday or celebrate ourselves.
Sigh... Because of the budget and to please him, I actually gave this up.. I really do not understand why am I doing this...
WHY??? Can somebody tell me why...
My mom said: "your wedding was also important but we did not do the banquet. So what, 21st just celebrate on our own will do". When she said that, my heart sank to the bottom of the sea.
Because we did not have money, because we are poor??? Are we???
Now I could not stop myself from tearing..
I felt so stupid. I had sent invitation 1 week ago, and today I had to apologised to people for cancelling it.. Is it right or wrong... I must have disappoint many people..
Life is so difficult... When I go back to work, I will not stop myself from what I want to do whether others like it or not.
Sigh... Because of the budget and to please him, I actually gave this up.. I really do not understand why am I doing this...
WHY??? Can somebody tell me why...
My mom said: "your wedding was also important but we did not do the banquet. So what, 21st just celebrate on our own will do". When she said that, my heart sank to the bottom of the sea.
Because we did not have money, because we are poor??? Are we???
Now I could not stop myself from tearing..
I felt so stupid. I had sent invitation 1 week ago, and today I had to apologised to people for cancelling it.. Is it right or wrong... I must have disappoint many people..
Life is so difficult... When I go back to work, I will not stop myself from what I want to do whether others like it or not.
October 27, 2009
Argh, I am dying of borness.. Last weekend was eventful, and allergy happens to my neck...
Why can't I wear even a normal necklace because I can't afford to buy white gold or gold...
Neither I am born with a golden spoon or silver spoon...
So damn blardy irritating, my whole neck is full of rashes and it look so sore and disgusting that I dare not step out of my house. Because I am afraid people might shoo away from me..
Had been slacking at home since yesterday... Took medication for my rashes and it made me so drowsy... It lasted for almost 24 hours lar..
I need to unleash myself before I go back to work this January.. Birthday next month, I still haven't decide on the menu yet..
So many things to do but I am so restless... Help!!!
All I do at home is SLEEP, EAT, SLACK... I did not do most of the babysitting, beside making him milk...
Javier is getting more mischevious recently, he had mastered the skill of fake crying which sometimes are so real, so irritating!!! I dare not really bring him out alone, as he had learnt how to walk and he is always walking himself and not allowing me to hold his hand...
Sometimes I wonder, his behaviour is somehow familiar... May be just like me...
I love freedom very much...
May be he had inherited from me bah...
I need a new hairstyleeeeeeeeeeeee...
Sick of straight hair... Hmm... Can I get it done before 22nd November???
Going to Batam on our 2nd Anniversary... I wonder will it be enjoyable or full of surprise???
So many question, so many answer not replied... I'm so lost... PMS??? or Weather too hot???
I am feeling very moody... Very soon I will be down with depression or anxiety I guessed...
HELP
Why can't I wear even a normal necklace because I can't afford to buy white gold or gold...
Neither I am born with a golden spoon or silver spoon...
So damn blardy irritating, my whole neck is full of rashes and it look so sore and disgusting that I dare not step out of my house. Because I am afraid people might shoo away from me..
Had been slacking at home since yesterday... Took medication for my rashes and it made me so drowsy... It lasted for almost 24 hours lar..
I need to unleash myself before I go back to work this January.. Birthday next month, I still haven't decide on the menu yet..
So many things to do but I am so restless... Help!!!
All I do at home is SLEEP, EAT, SLACK... I did not do most of the babysitting, beside making him milk...
Javier is getting more mischevious recently, he had mastered the skill of fake crying which sometimes are so real, so irritating!!! I dare not really bring him out alone, as he had learnt how to walk and he is always walking himself and not allowing me to hold his hand...
Sometimes I wonder, his behaviour is somehow familiar... May be just like me...
I love freedom very much...
May be he had inherited from me bah...
I need a new hairstyleeeeeeeeeeeee...
Sick of straight hair... Hmm... Can I get it done before 22nd November???
Going to Batam on our 2nd Anniversary... I wonder will it be enjoyable or full of surprise???
So many question, so many answer not replied... I'm so lost... PMS??? or Weather too hot???
I am feeling very moody... Very soon I will be down with depression or anxiety I guessed...
HELP
September 23, 2009
I've recently just enrolled Javier into Kinderland Childcare Centre...
He will start schooling on 4th Jan 2010... Though it is quite costly and somehow inconvenient where I need to travel extra mile, I think it is worthwhile...
I'm still thinking how to balance with work... Quite nervous 1...
Hopefully, I'll get a job that I like on Jan next yr.. Many others childcare are either full or not up my standard...
Hence, I'm giving the best for him...
Last weekend, we manage to get some fresh air while Dylan was still having his afternoon nap.
Hubby gotten me W995, but now he is demanding back this phone, because it is new, and I'm always giving in! I really don't like it lor... Everytime, I must use old phone... ^%&^$@##&%^*&
Yesterday, we went swimming..
The moment we step into the swimming complex, I can sense that Javier was so excited.
Ever since the Ghost festival started, we banned swimming activities..
Javier made gret progress in swimming.
He can actually go swimming himself and diving...
When we helped him up, he was actually laughing.
So much fun he had..
My ears are so pain... Listening to his nonsense... I really want to have some peace, I like to be alone at home, especially when he is at work... Nobody will nag nag nag...
Javier is in love with Elmo... He knows that Elmo loves him, so he is always willing to wear the clothes that have Elmo printing on it...
Everyday, he will bring me his Lego Bag, and ask me to Open (penn -> this is how he prononce...) So amazed by his moves...
I'm so happy to see him grow up everyday... He brighten up my boring life...
Say no more... Shall update some photo soon...
He will start schooling on 4th Jan 2010... Though it is quite costly and somehow inconvenient where I need to travel extra mile, I think it is worthwhile...
I'm still thinking how to balance with work... Quite nervous 1...
Hopefully, I'll get a job that I like on Jan next yr.. Many others childcare are either full or not up my standard...
Hence, I'm giving the best for him...
Last weekend, we manage to get some fresh air while Dylan was still having his afternoon nap.
Hubby gotten me W995, but now he is demanding back this phone, because it is new, and I'm always giving in! I really don't like it lor... Everytime, I must use old phone... ^%&^$@##&%^*&
Yesterday, we went swimming..
The moment we step into the swimming complex, I can sense that Javier was so excited.
Ever since the Ghost festival started, we banned swimming activities..
Javier made gret progress in swimming.
He can actually go swimming himself and diving...
When we helped him up, he was actually laughing.
So much fun he had..
My ears are so pain... Listening to his nonsense... I really want to have some peace, I like to be alone at home, especially when he is at work... Nobody will nag nag nag...
Javier is in love with Elmo... He knows that Elmo loves him, so he is always willing to wear the clothes that have Elmo printing on it...
Everyday, he will bring me his Lego Bag, and ask me to Open (penn -> this is how he prononce...) So amazed by his moves...
I'm so happy to see him grow up everyday... He brighten up my boring life...
Say no more... Shall update some photo soon...
September 14, 2009
September 10, 2009
Finally feel like blogging, I know my blog had been rotting for damn long time...
Past few months, I had been going to work when Nicholas is off.. Therefore, my life became a routine...
Work -> Home -> Take Care Javier -> Play with me ( This makes me felt like I've neglected him a lot)
Hence, when I'm not working, I'll spend quality time with him...
This month, my sis is starting to work for the mooncake production in the weekend and I'll be baby sitting Dylan, the tyrant... =/
Now I'm freaking pissed off, somebody at home(you know who you are), used my computer and got virus... My computer is hanged whenever I switch on.
So right now, that somebody is not happy with me using his laptop...
I'm need a PC badly and you are freaking broke to provide me one! So stop your nonsense!
I am in a very bad mood today. So do not provoke me further!!! (Understand, unless you don't know English!)
Past few months, I had been going to work when Nicholas is off.. Therefore, my life became a routine...
Work -> Home -> Take Care Javier -> Play with me ( This makes me felt like I've neglected him a lot)
Hence, when I'm not working, I'll spend quality time with him...
This month, my sis is starting to work for the mooncake production in the weekend and I'll be baby sitting Dylan, the tyrant... =/
Now I'm freaking pissed off, somebody at home(you know who you are), used my computer and got virus... My computer is hanged whenever I switch on.
So right now, that somebody is not happy with me using his laptop...
I'm need a PC badly and you are freaking broke to provide me one! So stop your nonsense!
I am in a very bad mood today. So do not provoke me further!!! (Understand, unless you don't know English!)
June 23, 2009
Eventful Moments to Be Shared...
It has been 2 months since I last blog...
The little rascal have started to walk on this own lately... Been very busy playing with him most of the time... We had also brought Javier for his first swim, and He had turn 1 this 3rd June... As for me and Nic, both of us celebrated our first Mothers' and Fathers' day... Though we didn't celebrate but we are both happy!
Excited to have such a big bathtub to play in...
Happy happy two little boys...
Suck suck fingers testing how to water taste like...
So much fun... Look how cheeky both of them...
Enjoying the moment...
Next will be Javier's Birthday Party held at Bukit Batok Civil Servant Club...
His cake...
Afternoon nap...
Javier's sis... Cousin lar...
Javier's Grandparents... My Parents...
The Families...
The Happy Three Family...
With his favourite grandfather, but Javier is so grumpy due to the humid weather...
Say cheese...
Sis with dylan... He is also not feeling good because of the humid weather...
Imagine if I have 3 kids to handle... It will be like this...
Look at the 2nd photo, Javier is trying to step the cake...
With the aunties and grandaunties...
The In-laws...
With my close friends...
From left, Daniel/Dylan/Celestine/Javier/Me/Nic & Derrick
Time to eat cake...
Yummy yummy!
Look what has he done... I find it cute though...
For Javier birthday, the credits goes to Jason...
Because he set up the balloons for Javier FOC and he came earlier to help Nic too!
And 1 more credit for Shi Min...
Gtg, will update on more things asap...
The little rascal have started to walk on this own lately... Been very busy playing with him most of the time... We had also brought Javier for his first swim, and He had turn 1 this 3rd June... As for me and Nic, both of us celebrated our first Mothers' and Fathers' day... Though we didn't celebrate but we are both happy!
Excited to have such a big bathtub to play in...
Happy happy two little boys...
Suck suck fingers testing how to water taste like...
So much fun... Look how cheeky both of them...
Enjoying the moment...
Next will be Javier's Birthday Party held at Bukit Batok Civil Servant Club...
His cake...
Afternoon nap...
Javier's sis... Cousin lar...
Javier's Grandparents... My Parents...
The Families...
The Happy Three Family...
With his favourite grandfather, but Javier is so grumpy due to the humid weather...
Say cheese...
Sis with dylan... He is also not feeling good because of the humid weather...
Imagine if I have 3 kids to handle... It will be like this...
Look at the 2nd photo, Javier is trying to step the cake...
With the aunties and grandaunties...
The In-laws...
With my close friends...
From left, Daniel/Dylan/Celestine/Javier/Me/Nic & Derrick
Time to eat cake...
Yummy yummy!
Look what has he done... I find it cute though...
For Javier birthday, the credits goes to Jason...
Because he set up the balloons for Javier FOC and he came earlier to help Nic too!
And 1 more credit for Shi Min...
Gtg, will update on more things asap...
April 07, 2009
Javier is Botak liao...
It is the Qing Ming Festival again...
Mummy decide to give Javier a botak head...
So that he can take photo with the little buddha at Brighthill Temple..
Before and After
At the temple...
The one real life little buddha and the statue little buddha
Why is the floor green...
It looks scary... Mamamama.........................
It is pricking me... I don't like it...
Reciting sutra...
Thats better, I felt so much safer...
Scare scare.. Got monster at the grass or not...
I want to leave here ASAP...
With my beloved grandpa....
More to come soon... Please stay tune...
Mummy decide to give Javier a botak head...
So that he can take photo with the little buddha at Brighthill Temple..
Before and After
The one real life little buddha and the statue little buddha
Why is the floor green...
It looks scary... Mamamama.........................
It is pricking me... I don't like it...
Reciting sutra...
Thats better, I felt so much safer...
Scare scare.. Got monster at the grass or not...
I want to leave here ASAP...
With my beloved grandpa....
More to come soon... Please stay tune...
March 07, 2009
Life has been playing with me since February.
It started on 15th, the day I thought it was just a stomach upset.
I suspected to be an appendicitis.
Hence, after seeing the GP, I was referred to A&E.
When I was in the department, awaiting to be examined,
A sudden gush of blood flowing down from below, initially I thought it was caused by the irregular menses.
Pregnancy test done, 2 doctors were looking suspiciously at the kit to double confirm.
From that moment, I felt something amissed, and 2 minutes later, I was told that I am pregnant.
Shocked for my life.
Totally speechless, as I was having menses on the 5th which was 2 days after I seen my Gynae doctor, given medication for my period to come as it was already late for 2 mths.
Told that the pregnancy is very early, may be for about 2 weeks gestation. No heartbeat yet..
The doctor even ask me, if I am able to keep it, will I keep? I said yes.
They did the scan but it wasn't clear enough to see the foetus, hence they wants to transfer me to KKH for more detailed scanning, and gave me some diagnosis that I was likely to have a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Either I will be admit to TTSH or KKH for observation.
I was ferried to KKH by ambulance. The pain is back before I was sent to KKH.
The pain also occurred at my back which I did not notice.
At KKH, I was done with the scanning, they said it is too early to see what is it.
Hence I was admitted to KKH. No medication was given to prevent the early abortion. Only painkiller were given.
Though in the front of everyone I said I wasn't sad about it, but deep inside I actually blame myself.
Why see my gynae for the late period?
If I didn't see her, may be all this wouldn't have happened at all.
I keep on questioning myself, why is god playing with me?
People by my side keep on telling me I still have Javier... When my period was late and the pregnancy test I did was negative, I thought pregnancy won't happened.
I felt very emotional after the entire thing.
Why was I the only one to be blamed on???
I do not know how to speak out... The entire pregnancy doesn't caused by me entirely!!!
It is the both parties... Why do I have to be blamed??
I have already gone through the pain of losing one, why can't I have a peace of mind and let me forget about the trauma? Or even stop telling me how can I handle 2 when 1 of them is sicked???
Physically and mentally I had enough... I can't take this anymore.
Please stop saying things that reminds me of it.
I might sound too rude or offend anybody, but please, I just want to forget...
From now on, please don't remind me by saying, I will not have 2nd child or how are you able to provide 2 children with 1 adult working...
It started on 15th, the day I thought it was just a stomach upset.
I suspected to be an appendicitis.
Hence, after seeing the GP, I was referred to A&E.
When I was in the department, awaiting to be examined,
A sudden gush of blood flowing down from below, initially I thought it was caused by the irregular menses.
Pregnancy test done, 2 doctors were looking suspiciously at the kit to double confirm.
From that moment, I felt something amissed, and 2 minutes later, I was told that I am pregnant.
Shocked for my life.
Totally speechless, as I was having menses on the 5th which was 2 days after I seen my Gynae doctor, given medication for my period to come as it was already late for 2 mths.
Told that the pregnancy is very early, may be for about 2 weeks gestation. No heartbeat yet..
The doctor even ask me, if I am able to keep it, will I keep? I said yes.
They did the scan but it wasn't clear enough to see the foetus, hence they wants to transfer me to KKH for more detailed scanning, and gave me some diagnosis that I was likely to have a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Either I will be admit to TTSH or KKH for observation.
I was ferried to KKH by ambulance. The pain is back before I was sent to KKH.
The pain also occurred at my back which I did not notice.
At KKH, I was done with the scanning, they said it is too early to see what is it.
Hence I was admitted to KKH. No medication was given to prevent the early abortion. Only painkiller were given.
Though in the front of everyone I said I wasn't sad about it, but deep inside I actually blame myself.
Why see my gynae for the late period?
If I didn't see her, may be all this wouldn't have happened at all.
I keep on questioning myself, why is god playing with me?
People by my side keep on telling me I still have Javier... When my period was late and the pregnancy test I did was negative, I thought pregnancy won't happened.
I felt very emotional after the entire thing.
Why was I the only one to be blamed on???
I do not know how to speak out... The entire pregnancy doesn't caused by me entirely!!!
It is the both parties... Why do I have to be blamed??
I have already gone through the pain of losing one, why can't I have a peace of mind and let me forget about the trauma? Or even stop telling me how can I handle 2 when 1 of them is sicked???
Physically and mentally I had enough... I can't take this anymore.
Please stop saying things that reminds me of it.
I might sound too rude or offend anybody, but please, I just want to forget...
From now on, please don't remind me by saying, I will not have 2nd child or how are you able to provide 2 children with 1 adult working...
February 12, 2009
Sleeping Pattern Part 3
Look carefully what is he holding in his hand...
Needs some support of his head...
February 09, 2009
French Fries
Darling Javier today had french fries together with me...
He enjoyed it so much...
Rubbish food is his love...
He enjoyed it so much...
Rubbish food is his love...
February 05, 2009
Marking his 8 month milestone....
Exactly 8 months from his birth, I went to consult my Gynae Dr. Judy Wong...
She is the first to carry Javier out to this world... Many thanks for her, for helping throughout the process...
Now Javier had learn how to eat the food given to him from his hand...
I guessed he had inherited a lot from Nicholas... Both doesn't like porridge...
Sweet tooth... OMG...
Javier will cry for me, sometimes even say Bao bao, or mum mum/neh neh if he is hungry...
He had even learn how to crawl into a huge curb...
Update soon, he is crying for me...
She is the first to carry Javier out to this world... Many thanks for her, for helping throughout the process...
Now Javier had learn how to eat the food given to him from his hand...
I guessed he had inherited a lot from Nicholas... Both doesn't like porridge...
Sweet tooth... OMG...
Javier will cry for me, sometimes even say Bao bao, or mum mum/neh neh if he is hungry...
He had even learn how to crawl into a huge curb...
Update soon, he is crying for me...
January 30, 2009
Happy Golden Ox Year!
Hope I'm not too late to greet this season.
Anyway, Javier is now down with a flu due to teething...
The 4th teeth is coming out soon.
Diarrheoa, flu & vomiting... Crankiness.
So many things to do...
CNY DAY 1
Chloe, my niece.
Look at the 2 babies, 4 months difference... Javier is the youngest, yet he's bigger in size.
Both just can't stop moving, hence the blurr photo.
CNY DAY 2
Family Portrait...
My sauve Javier.
Me and my prince!
2nd outfit of the day...
Fairprice Pull-up pants does not have good absorben...
Only suitable for toddlers who is learning toilet training.
Kian How playing with Chloe
Kian Liong & me with Louis trying to peek-a-boo
Javier had some fun with himself.
Anyway, Javier is now down with a flu due to teething...
The 4th teeth is coming out soon.
Diarrheoa, flu & vomiting... Crankiness.
So many things to do...
CNY DAY 1
Chloe, my niece.
Look at the 2 babies, 4 months difference... Javier is the youngest, yet he's bigger in size.
Both just can't stop moving, hence the blurr photo.
CNY DAY 2
Family Portrait...
My sauve Javier.
Me and my prince!
2nd outfit of the day...
Fairprice Pull-up pants does not have good absorben...
Only suitable for toddlers who is learning toilet training.
Kian How playing with Chloe
Kian Liong & me with Louis trying to peek-a-boo
Javier had some fun with himself.
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