My World

Life has been playing with me since February.

It started on 15th, the day I thought it was just a stomach upset.
I suspected to be an appendicitis.
Hence, after seeing the GP, I was referred to A&E.
When I was in the department, awaiting to be examined,
A sudden gush of blood flowing down from below, initially I thought it was caused by the irregular menses.
Pregnancy test done, 2 doctors were looking suspiciously at the kit to double confirm.
From that moment, I felt something amissed, and 2 minutes later, I was told that I am pregnant.
Shocked for my life.

Totally speechless, as I was having menses on the 5th which was 2 days after I seen my Gynae doctor, given medication for my period to come as it was already late for 2 mths.

Told that the pregnancy is very early, may be for about 2 weeks gestation. No heartbeat yet..

The doctor even ask me, if I am able to keep it, will I keep? I said yes.
They did the scan but it wasn't clear enough to see the foetus, hence they wants to transfer me to KKH for more detailed scanning, and gave me some diagnosis that I was likely to have a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Either I will be admit to TTSH or KKH for observation.

I was ferried to KKH by ambulance. The pain is back before I was sent to KKH.
The pain also occurred at my back which I did not notice.

At KKH, I was done with the scanning, they said it is too early to see what is it.
Hence I was admitted to KKH. No medication was given to prevent the early abortion. Only painkiller were given.

Though in the front of everyone I said I wasn't sad about it, but deep inside I actually blame myself.

Why see my gynae for the late period?
If I didn't see her, may be all this wouldn't have happened at all.

I keep on questioning myself, why is god playing with me?

People by my side keep on telling me I still have Javier... When my period was late and the pregnancy test I did was negative, I thought pregnancy won't happened.

I felt very emotional after the entire thing.
Why was I the only one to be blamed on???
I do not know how to speak out... The entire pregnancy doesn't caused by me entirely!!!
It is the both parties... Why do I have to be blamed??
I have already gone through the pain of losing one, why can't I have a peace of mind and let me forget about the trauma? Or even stop telling me how can I handle 2 when 1 of them is sicked???

Physically and mentally I had enough... I can't take this anymore.
Please stop saying things that reminds me of it.

I might sound too rude or offend anybody, but please, I just want to forget...
From now on, please don't remind me by saying, I will not have 2nd child or how are you able to provide 2 children with 1 adult working...